Did I choose this loneliness willingly? Was I so scared of the pain of love that I chose to eliminate it from my life so completely? In my effort to experience every possible feeling in life did I somehow get stuck in loneliness? I had set out to be independent and somehow managed to become independent from feelings or emotions. Did I want to follow this to its end only to find a bottomless reserve? Did I never want to choose happiness to begin with? What if I was trying to explore my feelings and instead wandered too far down the rabbit hole? Maybe I forgot this was an experiment. I forgot that I used to be a different person. I asked for the pain, the frustration, the uncertainty because if I survived it meant I would be ok. But I’ve been so busy surviving that I forgot to live. I wanted distractions. Because they meant that I was doing something. They were proof that I was trying. Except not really. They were only proof that I was stalling until I could try for real. Like for the last five years I’ve been going through as much bad stuff as I could in preparation. For the day I entered the real world again. Put my heart out there again. Became open again. Let life surprise me instead of trying to figure out every bad thing that could happen and initiating it. Maybe I’m ready to give up control. Maybe I’m ready for adventure.