Reasons I will never be internet famous

I’m not quick enough on social media.

I’m one of those old school people that takes pictures with my camera, not my camera phone. And when I take pictures I don’t go directly home to edit them (read: filter them on Instagram) and upload them for the world to see. I just can’t be bothered. I went to Ireland in May and my family and friends still haven’t seen the pictures because I haven’t uploaded them anywhere yet. I also hate the idea of live tweeting events. I like the idea of experiencing them instead.

I don’t have followers on Twitter.

I signed up for a Twitter account in late March. I wanted this to be my professional Twitter which I could use to showcase my writing and network with other artists and writers. So far? I have about 37 followers. I retweet James Deen far too often for it to be considered “professional” anymore. Tweeting James Franco calling him my future husband and asking Emile Hirsch to post shirtless pictures is obviously #nothelping.

I don’t like cats.

It seems like everything on the internet these days involves cute, furry cats doing cute, furry cat things. That’s great except I don’t like them. I live with one against my will and we do our best to stay out of each others way. He rubs up against me hoping I’ll stroke him while I glower and try not kick him away. That’s pretty much grounds to revoke my internet privileges, right?

I actually get creeped out by privacy and copyright issues.

I deactivated my Facebook account a couple of years ago and have never looked back. Whenever people ask me why, I tell them about the creepy privacy rules that they have. Inevitably people respond with “Yeah. But what can you do?”…um how about boycott their services? Call people and meet up with them in real life instead of stalking them on Facebook? I also don’t use Instagram. The fact that they can use users’ photos to make money without giving credit or monetary compensation is frightening. I refuse to support a company that does that. I don’t care if they have cool filters. You know what else has a cool filter? Real life.

I hate ass-kissing.

Or as professionals call it “networking”. I hate it. It’s bad enough I have to do it in real life, I want my online experience to be pleasant. I don’t want the awkward internet equivalent of making small talk at an opening with a glass of warm wine in my hand. The real life version is bad enough. I want to have fun on the internet. I want to post 10 pictures of James Franco in a row on my Tumblr and not wonder if this is somehow damaging my “public persona”. (It probably is). So I probably won’t be the next Kelly Oxford. I just hope that one day, after I’m long gone, someone goes through my Twitter and finds gems like “Walking around with my cup of candy like it’s sizzurp” and thinks “Alas, she must have been very popular with that sense of humour”.

I’m not narcissistic enough.

The only things on my YouTube page are some projects I had to do for a university art class. I can’t imagine posting videos of me talking all the time. Most times, I get annoyed with myself so why would I expect other people to feel differently? Also I can’t take criticism to save my life so I’m pretty sure the comments alone would be enough to send me into the fetal position calling for my mommy. I’m just not narcissistic enough. Or maybe I am but I like the comfort of hiding behind a screen.