All tagged life

I’m not sure what I hated most about the city, the things I told other people or the fact that I was alone. Maybe it was the way it impinged on my fantasy with its reality. I worried that this is what real life was like. Being in a city you hated by yourself with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I worried that this is what awaited me in the coming days.

Did I choose this loneliness willingly? Was I so scared of the pain of love that I chose to eliminate it from my life so completely? In my effort to experience every possible feeling in life did I somehow get stuck in loneliness?

It’s the ones who aren’t coughing that worry me. The ones that look OK. No hints as to the sickly horrors they house inside their bodies. Rare, airborne, infectious diseases. Thank you for coming. We really appreciate your business.

I was 16 when I learned to be afraid. News of her death left me in a strange, unbelieving fog. I was two people. One who could accept the news and mourn, and the other who made up theories about how she staged the whole thing and was secretly alive somewhere else.

The ebb and flow of people is always disproportionate. Sometimes it feels like you’re the last person on earth. You try to reach out but cannot connect to anything or anyone. The world swirls on around you and you watch it.