I’m exhausted. I came to Bristol and hit the ground running, setting up meetings, volunteering, working on my writing, attending work-related events, exploring the city, etc. I’m not complaining because I have seen the fruits of my labour. I have a lovely house with amazing housemates that I consider my friends. I volunteer at an amazing organization that has given me an abundance of confidence. I recently got an internship doing something I love. I’m slowly creating a circle of friends. I couldn’t ask for more. And I’m not. But this morning I woke up in a panic about all the things I have to do.
When your time is your own it’s really hard to plan accordingly. I am a very driven person. I wouldn’t be here, halfway across the world searching for greener pastures, if I wasn’t. I’ve been hustling since the day I arrived, knowing that my very survival depended on it. This morning when I woke up my mind was already going through a mental check list of what needed doing. No one is going to force me to write that piece on the show that I saw last night. No one is waiting for me to hand it in so they can grade it. No one is expecting it. And no one will hold it against me if I don’t do it, if I want to take the day off. But that’s the thing. No one is ever going to read my writing if I don’t actually write.
My boss at the internship isn’t going to mind if I don’t do work today. He’s not going to monitor my hours. If I don’t go and photocopy my zine, no one will be the wiser. That’s the upside (and oftentimes downside) to working for yourself. I have to find the motivation to do these things for myself and my future. I have to do these things with some bigger goal in mind. Recently I’ve come to realize how easy I made it for myself at home. Go to 9-5 job. Go home. Go out with friends and family. Repeat. I had to be somewhere from Monday to Friday at a certain time. Sure, it was flexible but essentially I had a routine. It was easy. Mindless, even. But there was a reason that I left and that’s because it didn’t suit me. It didn’t suit me to be told what to do and where to be. I’m far too independent for that.
So that’s where I am left now. I have this freedom that I’ve never had and let me tell you, it’s intoxicating. Knowing that everything I have achieved so far is because I worked my ass off for it is an amazing feeling. I feel like I’m finally living the life I had inside me. But this freedom is sometimes paralyzing as well. Too much of a good thing and all that business. Like when I wake up with my mind racing and heart pounding. I’ve learned to accept that these things will happen and all I can do is minimize the impact. So I’ll spend half the day on Tumblr. And then I’ll make a to-do list for tomorrow knowing that I’ll cross a few things off at least.