Today is a whimper rather than a bang. It’s the kind of day where the muggy, oppressive air has infiltrated my psyche slowing me down. Last night I was thinking about how serious everything has been. How that carefree, confident person who could laugh her way through everything has been replaced. Now this new person is constantly worried, stressed, anxious. No matter how hard I try it seems like this new person is here to stay. There’s this sinking feeling in my gut that this is it. That I’ll never get to the other side. I feel like I’ve been kidding myself the last little while, maybe even years. I’m so tired. Of being scared and anxious. Of feeling defeated. Of not knowing how the hell I’m ever gonna get away from this place in my head. Some days I can’t make the effort. I can’t go to the networking event and talk about my business. I can’t do the job applications. I can’t submit my poetry. I can’t do shit that matters. I just turn things over and over in my head. I can’t hustle. I’m mentally and physically tired and and I don’t know how not to be. Because if I’m not out there going for it nothing gets done. I stay stuck. It feels like it’s never going to happen for me. That the barriers are too strong and I’m too weak. I’ve been fighting my entire fucking life. I wish I was happy working a job 9-5 going home at the end of the day eating dinner watching tv and doing it all again the next day. Life would be so much easier for me.